Looking back at my last post it seems a bit depressing and negative so I thought I’d lighten it up a bit. In the last post I talked about Shadow’s decline, death and its immediate aftermath and only briefly touched on his life and why he is important to me. I hope to clear that up a bit with this post.
I had wanted a dog for a long time before we actually got Shadow. We did have a dog before him, Leroy, but he and I were not exactly close. He was a gigantic bloodhound which scared the hell out of me. Still, I liked him from a distance. He died in an accident at around age two. I remember the night he died fairly well. I was upset when he died but he was fairly easy for me to get over. He was my dad’s dog, not mine. About three years went by between Leroy’s death and Shadow’s arrival. They seemed like long years to me at the time which makes sense when you take into account I had only lived about five to eight years at the time. Several of my friends had dogs and I longed to have one myself. Then our neighbor got a black lab which was a nice surrogate for awhile. Still, it wasn’t the same.
Shadow was born November 28th 1996 in Chapleau. He was among the second of three litters that his parents were to have, well, so far as I know. His relatives were all over the place in Chapleau, I imagine some still are. I used to hang around a kid in Chapleau who had an “old” Labrador retriever which I later found out was Shadow’s grandmother. Getting Shadow was a complete surprise to me. Had you told me the day we got him that I was going to have a dog by the time the sun went down I would have been shocked and delighted.
I, my mother and sister went up town on a Saturday afternoon, January 18th 1997 to be exact. I don’t remember what we did downtown before we went to the pet store. Probably went to the Starlight restaurant as we often did at that time. Anyway, we went into the pet store and there were puppies there. Four if I remember correctly. They were all available for $50.00. Now, I’d like to say that I picked out Shadow instantly but that would be too good to be true. I actually liked one of his sisters. Oddly enough I think it was my sister who picked out Shadow. It took some convincing but my mother let us have one, but not the girl. I carried him home inside my jacket.
That night I slept in the living room with him. I woke up early the next day, around 4:30 AM and watched a movie on tv, “Fame”. First and so far only time I’ve seen that movie. Yes, my memory picks out random insignificant things to remember. I watched him sleep during commercials and was happy.
I became attached to him very quickly. I took him for walks often and played with him constantly. He was a fine distraction from the lingering effects of my parents break-up. It was about this time that I started to grow distant from my father, which was all right with me by that time. We would remain quite distant until shortly before I turned twenty. I went to Cartier for March break that year to see my grandmother and father. I was supposed to be there for eight days but returned after only four because I missed Shadow. I would have returned even sooner if the train schedule had allowed for it. I now found meetings with my father to be awkward and strange. Shadow was familiar and comfortable.
When Shadow was young I did something rather foolish. I turned him into a sled-dog. It was really fun at the time, he became quite popular with my small circle of friends as he took to the task quickly. Unfortunately this turned him into an incredibly strong and difficult to walk dog. He actually broke through several chains and cables which he used in the yard. We finally found a gigantic chain which we thought he’d never break through….two years later he did. When we moved from Minto to Pine Street it was with great difficulty that we got him there. Then when we moved from Chapleau to Timmins he broke out of the cage several times, rendering the cage unusable and destroying several straps in the process.
Around this period we went through several phases when it was not certain that we’d be able to keep Shadow. We moved twice, in both cases uncertain if the place would take animals. I lived in constant fear at that time. Not knowing filled me with fear and anger in the beginning stages of puberty which was already an emotional roller coaster for me. If I had lost him around that time it may have destroyed me, and that is no exaggeration. When we moved to Timmins I was in an odd situation. I had no friends, nor did I have any interest in having any from that school, which I despised. I was bullied for the duration of my stay at that school which fueled my anger and frustration. On top of that I had recently “reconciled” somewhat with my father after nearly two years of not speaking to or seeing him, by my choice. He made grand promises about how things would change, but they did not and that made things difficult as well. If not for Shadow being there for me it is quite likely that I would have snapped one way or another. Looking back at my state of mind at the time I find the possibilities of what may have happened quite scary. He slept in my room every night during this period. His presence alone put me at ease. It was mutual though. He was not the same way with other people as he was with me.
By age fourteen I was in a different school, was comfortable with who I was and had lost interest in becoming close with my father. I also was not in fear of losing Shadow. It was at this time that I did something up until then would have been unthinkable: I left for the summer. While away I thought about him every night. From what my mother has told me the transition was difficult on him too. He would come up to my room and stay there until he realized I was not there and was not coming back anytime soon. I got her to put me on speakerphone a few times which got him excited. I did the same thing the next two summers as well. Fourteen to seventeen remain my favorite years thus far.
When I was nineteen I went to live with my father briefly. Unfortunately I could not take Shadow with me, had I been able to it’s quite likely that I would have stayed. He wasn’t the deciding factor in my return to Timmins, but he would have been enough to keep me in North Bay easily. While in North Bay certain events transpired which nearly triggered a breaking point with my father and me. While it did not destroy my relationship with my father, it was enough for me to realize that we would not be able to live together. Early the following year I let go of all the things that bothered me throughout childhood about my father.
Over the next few years Shadow began to age slowly but surely. His fur faded to white in several areas. He became less energetic and eventually even lines appeared in his face. Even so he still seemed to think he was a puppy throughout his life. He still wanted to play and was still a challenge to walk steadily. Eventually he lost most of his hearing and the sight in one eye but the personality was still there. Apparently that was only with me though. My mother has told me that when I was not around he would isolate himself from everyone else in his final months. I never noticed this as I was not there. As soon as I would come home he would come to me and was happy. In the middle of the night I would sometimes go down to see him. As an insomniac it happened quite often. I wouldn’t always wake him up. Sometimes I’d just watch him. The reaction I’d get when I would wake him up is what I miss the most. He immediately bolted to life and the tail went wild. In his last two days he didn’t have the energy to do this. When he died I think I expected it to happen when I moved his body. Seeing him happy made me happy and vice versa. While I get along well with the cats here I don't have the same type of relationship with them as I did with Shadow. This has caused jealousy issues with one of the cats. She actually seems much happier around me since Shadow has been gone. All of the animals I've come across seem to like me immediately and the feeling is generally mutual. I actually prefer the company of animals to that of most humans. There will never be another Shadow, but I'm hoping there's always an animal of some sort around. Generally, I find them more trustworthy and friendly with the possible acception of wild black bears. I got pretty close to a few of those in Chapleau and they didn't seem very friendly or trustworthy.
